What has happened to the society of mothers that bond together with extended family to raise children? Maybe I have become delusional, but yes, I did have this when I grew up. My son is four years old and he has been staying home with me, my husband or our Au Pair since birth, never attending a daycare. I lack an engaged family in my child's life as well as any extended family. Where we live, there are no sidewalks, and I barely know my close neighbors, let alone those two streets over. So, where does this leave most mothers to find friends? How about I abandon the word "friends" and stick with at least some polite camaraderie among mothers that may lead to a phone number exchange?
We live in a society that feels its necessary to punish mothers on some sort of mental anguish level for choices they make and whether other mothers feel its right or wrong. Why can't we just support each other and abandon our innate ability to make another feel bad because she chooses to put a disposable diaper on her child? Sure, I am a crunchy granola mother, who cloth diapered, breastfed for twenty nine months, co-sleep and attachment parent. However, I pass no judgment on mothers who feed formula, use plastic diapers and sleep train. Why? It's not my place. I do not live in your house and know what your life is like and why you made those decision. But do you know what happens when this comes up in conversation at a playground? ........The divide happens.
Let me share a scenario I encountered at the playground the other day. My son was happily playing with a little girl who I assumed was about his age. They were laughing and running, chasing each other, and going down the slides together. I saw her mother over on the sitting wall, occasionally looking up from her phone. I thought it would be nice to engage in a simple conversation together. I am also not one to sit and browse Facebook while on the playground, as I tend to hover and watch my child to encourage nice playground manners. As I approach the mother, she stands and looks flustered. I start with a simple "hello and how are you?" She gently replies. My son comes running with her daughter up to us and says, "Nice to meet you", and puts out his hand. The mother looked startled. She says, "Oh, your son is so polite, he talks so well, how old is he?" I replied that he was four and asked how old her daughter was, finding she is the same age. The mother quietly dropped her head and said, "She (daughter) doesn't talk much because she is home with me and we can't afford a Pre-K program, so..but she will catch up."
I think I wanted to hug this mother. What on earth have we done to each other that she feels she needs to offer up reasons and excuses why her daughter is less vocal? She inquired if my son went to daycare and I told her he was always at home with someone since birth. She seemed relieved. She continued to seem nervous to carry on any further type of conversation so I abandoned my attempt at making a connection. I still cannot help but think that somewhere along the way we mothers theoretically hung ourselves and destroyed any sense of the word, village, in raising a family.
A coworker of mine (yes, I work), stated to me that since I chose to have a family, it is my responsibility and mine only to raise my child. Well, he is partly right. Yes, I chose to have a child and I do assume all responsibilities. I don't expect my neighbor to discipline my child or my sister to buy those cloth diapers. But what is missing is a sense of respect. A respect of mothers, one to another, to enjoy and cherish the lives of their children. To just respect our choices. To know that somewhere, on some level, maybe you are like each other and maybe you will find this out if you talk and LISTEN. Maybe we can learn to be social with one another. Maybe we can find a shoulder to lean on. Don't all kids go through the some of the same developmental things at some time? And don't we all have to figure out how to handle it? I'm not saying that Facebook groups are bad for asking help, but maybe if we put our judgments aside and just relaxed, we wouldn't have to turn to specific Facebook groups to find help.
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